I HATE THIS FUCKING HOUSE....

I feel stupid.

Girls always make me feel stupid.

Thnx.

If I could, I would....

You are beautiful.

The smile you are blessed with, makes the shittiest of my days seem worth it when I see you.

I wish I can talk to you when it would be a more appropriate time where we don't have to be anywhere or have to do anything.

If I was placed on a battlefield, your presence would make violence stop to only then have peace and tranquility bleed through the air for all to breathe.

Dear Stephanie,

I wish I could tell you but this is all too ridiculous.

Every time I try, I can't cut in.

Any instance, doesn't last long enough.

I'll be patient.

I'll wait.

I wouldn't doubt you already have a boyfriend.

Someone as a gorgeous person as yourself wouldn't be on the market for any lengthy measurement of time such as you dear Stephanie.

If it's in the cards...

A chance will be there...

Until then,

All I have to offer you is secret compliments and admiration.

I hope the deck will be in my favor...

Then again, the house always wins against me.

Want to break both of your fucking jaws' right now.






So it hurts like fuck when you two go to kiss one another.






You bitch.

I'm 20!

Feels weird but I kinda like the idea I'm older now.

Well, she's gone. I have no idea if I should either feel bad or relieved. She finally left my life. I have no ways or source to even find out what or how she is doing. It is for the best and I'm just sickened from everything. She was the poison that swam throughout my veins and she was the smog smoke I inhale everytime I go to breathe. She's finally gone.

It sorta hurts in seeing that I would've done anything for her. She made her descision and so have I. I don't know if I should feel bad for posting the last entry I posted. I would claim that, that kind of hatred coming from me isn't really me. Some people just bring it all out of you. Even your darker side of what is actually you.

I don't know if I still really hate her. I don't know if I even mean a fraction of everything I had said.

What I do know is, is that I'm no longer weighed down by thoughts of her. Affected from words and even the words gone unspoken from her. I'm sorry Brianna. I have came to thought and I realized what I have said was in fact, very uncalled for. You just don't and will never realize how much of an impact you had on me. For you, I hope mine wasn't as much very so as negative but, something.

You have made this weary heart strong and I feel I now can go and face the world.

I hope you can make everything out alright. But I just can't handle having anything about or that is you...in my life. It just hurts too much.

Well, I can just only hope that me turning 20 will bring only but more beginnings of something great and beautiful. Seeing that this past chapter was and has been brought to a close. Endings are not always happy, not always as pleasent. Sometimes endings can make us so much stronger and better ready for something new.

Yeah, I feel much better now....Sorry if I scared anyone besides the person for who that was intended to. You can tell by how angry I was of just how much of a real cold bitch she is. Yeah...feeling a whole lot better now.

I hate my job. Shit shifts and shit attitudes. Apparently, theres a favorites system and apparently High School is still flowing through the veins of everyone that has long ago graduated. I'm fucking sick of it. Oh, and I fucking bet more than anything that I'll get a 5:30 a.m. to 2 shift tommorrow cause no one else has to put the whole fucking order away but me. Yeah, I only exist there when something has to be done or when an order needs to be taken. Other than that, its ignore Suds.

I only ask for Hellos, good-byes, and thank yous. I'm quite simple. Really, the little things I only want in life satisfies me.

Last night I call Frank up to see if this week he'll trade shifts with me seeing he wanted to trade with me last week. "No, not really sir." Was his answer. For all the fucking times I do shit for him and trade with him, he doesn't help me out and take this shit shift. He took this shift last time and I really didn't expect him to take it on once more again. So I really have no reason to be mad but still. I bet if I was ###### he would take the shift with no struggle or fight. He'll just be a good pal and do that. I dunno, I guess I'm just angry how things have been going on.

Coupons are being used from now untill sometime in early or mid Feburary. So nerves are really going to be tested and ruptured. Still, it gives no excuse to directly or indirectly ignore or give no mind to others. I work and I try hard to be a good worker. Sorry I'm not given too much to do but still, the fact remains hidden that I try to do a bit of everything to help out. So many blind eyes and thoughtless minds. Sucks to be honest.

My Dad is laid off and it's going to be harder now seeing I'm going to school at WCCCD, finally! My money has to go toward my bills, school, and the family. I need this job and I need to keep work where its at. At work.

I'm going to start on the revision of my book and hopefully sell it or get the word out about it. So I could quit the fucking job and only would have to focus on school and my career. Do something I actually want to waste my life on doing what I love and not only see it as work.

Oh, I think I saw Amber on a porn site several days ago. I laughed so hard! It was called my sluttygirlfriend something something .com. Again, I laughed pretty hard and well.

Gotta go, later.

Shit.

Well things have flown by and already, for Christ sakes, it's fucking October.

Went to my Uncle J's friends house and recorded me playing my guitar for four and half minutes. Near the end of the session my Uncle told me that my guitar work sounded like old school Sonic Youth. So that made me grin lightly and I vowed to work on playing a little more than I am already not as of right now.

I think I'll eventually go get myself a new nice guitar. I want a Fender telecaster. They're nice and play really clean and lots of talented bands I dig have used them at one point or another.

Uhh, yeah work at BK sucks but its a hundred times better now cause I'm cool friends with Frank and everyone else. So from going from the new guy to funny-weird-cool guy is really neat-O. I love my nickname...Sudsy. Haha, Sudsy McGee thats me!

The orchard was insane. It was Apple Fest weekend.

Minimum wage was kicked up $6.95 here in Michigan. I'm loving having two jobs now. So when it's time to hit the farm on a certain morning. I have more than enough of a good reason to get out of bed before eight in the morning.

I am currently reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Most of it is bullshit but it's still very good of a read. Helps me understand things. Gives me inspirations of what I could do for my story or writing approach.

For those who want to write something... Theres one thing I strongly stress. There is no rules to writing and basically write you would want to read. It's that simple.

I'm sure I have alot of things to write about but I'm too fucking tired.

later,

I can't wait for the dead leaves to fall on the ground.

I can't wait for all of the kids to go back to school and into College.

I can't wait for Halloween.

I can't wait for November.

I can't wait to wear my jackets and hoodies.

I can't wait to wear my scarf.

I can't wait to end my season at the orchard.

I can't wait for new beginnings.

I can't wait for new stories and misadventures.

I can't wait to earn more money.

I can't wait for snow.

I can't wait for trips to the park.

I can't wait for you.

But I can wait for everything else in life.

I can't wait to say I'm sorry like I always do.

Well recently I was thrown onto drive-thru at BK so I'm getting progress made. Angie told me she will soon put me down on full-time for in the day. So I jumped and clicked my heels together.

The orchard is killing me but I'm starting to slim down a bit. This morning I noticed my gut was getting smaller and I was developing some minor defination. Thats only from two weeks of work. I have two months or so to go! Wow I'm going to be a demon. I don't use diet pills or starve myself unlike a certain person I know...

Cam sent me a text message, it was a chain letter. So I sent it back in reply. Hahaha. I miss her. I haven't seen her since Wade and Ambers Grad party. That was two to almost three months ago! We need to talk or something.

I miss her terribly.

I lost Sam's number and I searched high and low for it. So Crick will ask her for me next week on the bus.

I have been thinking of Sam more often and a few other ladies too. But Sam has popped up in my head a little more often and I can't explain why really.
Maybe it's because shes a clean cut decent person and that shes very smart for age. We have good talks and I feel shes on the same page and level that I am on and I like that in a person. Shes cute and has a smile I simply adore. Maybe I should take her to the movies and in a search for some unicorns? It'd be fun. It'd be magical.

I have no idea whats going on with Bri but, whatever. If I'm nothing to her. Then she should just cut me off. If its what she would want and would make her happy. Cool, fine. It's hard to push myself to not care or feel pissed but it seems to be working to an extent.

I was unloading chopped wood by myself in the rain the yeterday and words and catchy little hooks for lyrics and music was just pouring into my head. I didn't write them down but I faintly remember most of everything and I think it would make an incredible collection of work. I'll tend to that after I get my book writing career going and then eventually my movie writing/ directing up and about.

Lot of things I sang and thought of was just so heavily based off from my experience of getting to know Bri and so forth. I'm just constantly thinking of things to write or sing. So I guess my writting bug has got into me and planted its baby eggs within my bloodstream.

Last night I watched the top ten threats to the world thing. It was interesting. Number one was global warming and its the main thing we could prevent besides super volcano eruptions, mega astroid crash in the year 2036, a plague, and nuclear war. It was amazing but I couldn't care at all that much. If it all happens or atleast one of them. I wouldn't care. Cause life is short and this shows us that it could all be shorter. I'm not afraid of much but if anything happens, well, its gonna happen. Best not to fight it if it could not be fought off.

See how much, more and more, little by little. I just care less and less? Amazing what a woman can do to your heart to make you feel this way all over and out.

Could the answer to my problem/s be another woman?

I'm angry and lonely and I'm going to try to stop feeling this way somehow and someday very soon. These feelings lead to the path of the darkside. So I must be careful.

Put me in your thoughts. It helps even though you think it may do little to nothing for me. It just would. I would greatly appreciate it.

thnx,

later

These songs are in my Top 25 on my iTunes right now. Sweet shit.

Look At Me----John Lennon
Shine A Light----Wolf Parade
These Days----Nico
Needle In The Hay----Elliott Smith
Judy Is A Punk----Ramones
My War----Black Flag
Here's To You----Joan Baez
I Love You----Black Flag
Rebel Rebel----Seu Jorge
Smash Into Pieces----Silverstein
Fade In Fade Out----The Forecast
Smile In Your Sleep----Silverstein
November----Silverstein
Such Great Heights----The Postal Service
Fist Wrapped In Blood----Silverstein
Hard To Explain----The Strokes
Sea Ghost----The Unicorns
The Way I Feel Inside----The Zombies
You Will. You? Will. You? Will.----Bright Eyes
Romantic Rights----Death From Above 1979
Red Right Ankle----The Decemberist
Miscarriage----The Black Dahlia Murder
Death Of An Interior Decorator----Death Cab For Cutie
Get Me Naked: Electric Boogaloo----Minus The Bear
Five Years----Seu Jorge

The weather is looking a bit down. I can only hope the skies can just chill the fuck out before the Warped Tour. I don't want to stand in the rain all day. Fuck that.

The house is nice and quiet since my Ma and sis went up north. This household only gets four calls a day and sometimes its from somebody we actually know.

Me and my Dad watched both Kill Bill vol. 1 & 2 about twice within two or three days. I think in the evening we are just plain bored.

I still have a good number of Hot Pockets in the fridge but I'll think I'll conserve them and eat some Mac N' Cheese. Bri knows what I'm talkin's sa'bout!

I called about four people and left messages and nobody called me back. God damn hippies!

I was bored and had some cash. I still had the shit load of empty cans in the back of my car's trunk and I noticed earlier yesterday that the pop-can bag in the cleaners closet was pretty full. I really wanted to get out so...I drove myself out to Meijers to return some bottles. Seeing there is no limit in bottle returns per person, unlike most small buisnesses and gas stations in my town.

Going to some places by yourself is still kinda weird. For that, you're so used to going to those place with your Ma or with somebody. Being independent now, is odd. But I would like to develop that part of me even more now.

Anyways, I went to the back and started returning the bottles into the machine things. I discovered to my horror, some dumb asses at my grad party dumped their garbage and food scraps into the bag I was reaching into. That bag was placed in its own box that we marked "pop bottles only!".

So I had slime of pop of all kinds and food all over my entire right fore arm and hands. But hey, I got $9.30 out of it. My Ma went and bought Sam club cans of pop. If Meijers took them in, I would've got atleast an extra two to three dollars. But no, so I had to scrap the cans that could've gotton me more green.

I drenched both hands and arms in that sanitizer shit and I walked out and over to the Cd aisle. I always go there. They had a shitty selection of music and even so when I did find something I would've liked, it was marked $14 or $16 bucks. No thank you sir, I do not like that. No, I do not. I don't like spending that much on a Cd.

So I walked to the cash register towards the front and I was standing in the express lane. I thought it to be sorta ironic that they put a lady whos a bit slow in that area. She wasn't like lazy slow, just a little sluggy in the head I think. She was still nice as Hell though. So I feel a tiny bit mean for writing this paragraph. I'm nice all of the time, so I can be mean here and there.

After the guy ahead of me purchased his bannanas, yogurt, coffee grounds, and an issue of Sports Illustrated featuring a tribute to Steve Yzermen. It was my turn and I got my cash and I decided to go across the street and kick it over at Target.

This Target is like "Whoa! Man..."! I thought it was funny when I saw the line of people waiting to order their little yummy expensive hot drinks and bagels from Star Bucks that was built into the store. They make me giggle.

I went into the bathroom that always seems to be spotless and I began washing my arms with the really nice soap they have in their dispensers.

I made my way to their Cd aisle. But again, most of the selection these stores have are just so disappointing. However, Target is at least two to three notches above Meijers and what they try to rip you off with. Target has a little bit more variety and sells most Cds for a range of $3 to $6 dollars cheaper. I found Wolf Mother and The Artic Monkeys Cds. If I have decided to buy from Meijers. I would've lost the other $6 in my front pocket. When it comes to Cd's. I buy smart. I'm not all like oh, whatever.

Some bands are not even worth the money you would spend on buying their shit. The stores crank up the price so they get a nice cut per purchase. Well, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be throwing my cash around like that. I work too hard and go through a good amount of bullshit just to be like that.

Target and sometimes Wal-Mart(Yes, I know Bri,You love Wal-Mart) sells Cds at a good price. Most Cds the two of them markets them for are about $9ish to $13 bucks. Thats not so bad either.

One place that has a far much larger range of what you could possibly be looking for is Best Buy. However, Yes, they have all of the Cds that are pretty hard to find in most places. But, they can rip you off just as easily. Wanna know just Why? Well, they just can. I found three Cds just after Grad night that was on my "Want" list. But seeing they are not so common, they are slightly pricy. My Black Flag live 84', Death From Above 1979, and Wolf Parade Cd's were a bit up there. Personally after listening to each Cd like crazy and looking at all threes replay value. I would say the only two Cds I wished I was cutted $2 to $3 each was most certainly my Black Flag and Wolf Parade Cd.

I'm not saying I don't like them. I have a Wolf Parade vinyl I made myself in Graphic Arts, sticked to the back of my rear windshield of my car. And I plan on looking for some Black Flag stuff at the Tour this Saturday.

Just saying, music shouldn't be charged for as much as it is right now when it comes to all record labels. The indie labels(Independent-Not major as Dreamworks, Virgin, Columbia, Warner Brothers, and Interscope for example. Just look at the sides of your Cd's. You'll know what I'm talking about.) are the labels I have grown to love. Amazing music talents are found amongst those labels and you can get their music for a not so painful price.

Labels lose money almost everyday from music downloading. Some labels make deals sweeter by throwing in Dvds along with the full length album. I discovered yesterday that some makers are offering free ringtones for cell phones. All you have to do is buy the cd and punch the code into your phone. You get the free little diddy that'll either make you look cooler or more ridiculous in public once it goes off.

Soon enough, I think if this is the start to something new here. A new trend. Then, I wouldn't doubt it or be so suprised if things go to the point that Cds will have those little stickers saying they have the Cd and bonus songs with a double sided Dvd and a free ringtone and if you slapped the Cd into the ol' compooter at home, you'll become a member to the fansite and get free shit every month in the mail once you sign up.

I thought it was the most bizzare to see some Cds are sold with air tight sealed T-shirts in their packaging. But now, more and more. More makers and bands are starting to realize money is to be earned out there. So if the sales are slumping and the tours are still in full swing. Then, the next option to do is make your product and your music look just a tad bit more sweeter. "Lets put a naked lady on the cover!"...Sex sells you know.

I say, cool and its also just a little too much.

If the bands expect to make money and live the life they have dreamt of living since they picked up that instrument when they were in the 9th grade. Then they have to realize they have to do either all or one of the following;

1.)Wear matching clothes.

-->>2.)Tour non-stop.

3.)Have at least two good looking members in the band to draw in the slutty bitches who will not be able to differ how either good or bad the music is. [How do you think Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco, Hawthorne Heights, and just about any other half-assed lame bands were able to make it?]

4.)Make a really cool music video for Mtv.

-->>5.)Do shows in clubs other than stadiums and concert halls.

-->>6.)Never be an asshole or just be so stuck up to a fan or potential fans. We made you, and we can break you. Take a look at Good Charlette...Where are they now? My point exactly.

-->>7.)Do not sell your merch for as high as you think people will go to just buy from you. Even if you are "so and so", don't rip the fans off. Don't even expect them to pay $20 to $25 for just one fuckin' shirt.

-->>8.)You can do all of that, OR, you can simply be yourself. Be loyal and true to your fans. Don't dick a fan down from an autograph he had built up the nerve to ask of you for about half of the night just to only be turned down for just for you to be in a photo opp. with a pair of just-now-turned-18 year-old girls. Thats lame and pretty assholish. Take the chicks back to the bus after everyone is ready to call it a night and after you have interacted with everyone that wanted a moment with you.

-->>9.)Write and play something that matters to you. Don't worry if people will like it or not. That, or if it will sound good on the radio. Even if Myspace and the Mtv worlds pretty much ignore your presence. Hey, that shows you have the ground floor to an underground audience. The better bands are the bands that are unknown to almost EVERYONE. Its like an awesome private party until Myspace or Mtv ruins it and spotlights the band.

I rather be respected for my music than getting paid an absurd amount to just play it when I feel like it.

-->>10.) If you are to be role models and even start a trend. Make sure its something you can easily see being picked up and something that won't piss so many people off. For example, do any of you people remember when the Hardcore crowd started walking around wearing girl jeans and a bandanna in their back pocket? I do, and that was started by someone in that genre and it later picked up. Same with any other music act within the past 50 years.
Be a good example. Kids go to your shows and they see you shine like a motherfucking God. So whatever you do, do that in your own time alone.

This has been tumbling in my head for some time and I just wanted to get it out of me. If you look at it, you have to realize and eventually agree with me that most of this is pretty much true.

-Drew S*

I truly think its funny shit for all of the little kids that are about two to four years or so younger than me to say; "Oh, thats such an emo thing" or better yet "That kid is an emo fag"

Well first off some ignorant little crooked fucker bothered to actually tell me to shut the fuck up, that I'm an emo fag and that the band The Offspring are awesome and that he misses the 8th grade horribly so.

All I have to really say without going so low to as being just as mentally, musically, and socially challenged like that young man or lesbian for that this person had "sam" as their name so that goes both ways. However, guy or not.
No one and nobody talks to me in that matter. It was uncalled for from an jealous wannabe boyfriend or some pencil neck geek who believes that what he does and everything centered in his little Myspace-Mtv-world is perfectly fine and 100% unique.

Listen Son, if you think you'd like to repeat the shit you have written to my face, no problem. I live in New Boston, MI. So come on out and come looking for me. I'm not too hard to find if you ask a couple of young people for me. I'll do things to you that'll make a snuff film look like something out of Walt Disney's secret film reel stash in a vault located 50 miles underground. Your Mother will cry if she were to see what I have done to you for months straight. So try me you little shit. I'm not a fucker to fuck with.

Next all I have to say is, I'm really not an emo this or an hardcore kid or what may have you. Titles and name calling is so immature and that shit ends after High School. So I'm not exactly calling this kid anything but I have to say in response is simple and still mature of me. That is..."Try me."

Lets see how brave you are little one. You feel so safe and comfy writing that at your computer desk at home. Waiting for Mom and Dad to get home so that you can leave the house and go do something with your carbon clone buddies. You're a bored little scrawny shit who thinks whatever Mtv plays on the air is the most incredible music ever. Instead of being more so pissed at you and your complete dumbassness. I feel more so sorry for you than mad.

So go ahead my man, make my day.

I felt somewhat proud of myself for have just written a little over 100 pages for my novel so far. I was stuck on 96 for awhile and I only wrote four pages last night. I really wanted to have written at least five to ten pages but I got through the first hard part and crossed over to the three digit mark of pages written so far.

I have decided I will not go back to the beginning and re-edit everything like I normally do. I have spent half of the writting time just going back and adding and cutting things in and out and writting new pre-chapters.

So I'm going to go ahead and finish the book and then later go through it a few more times and go and re-edit the whole damn thing at that given time. For that if I don't, I'll be taking forever to write out one book that should only take me 8 to 10 months to write.

I have about four more titles to work on as well and even almost a handful of yet-to-be written screenplays for my future film projects. So I must haul some ass if I ever want to make a name for myself and make some fat ass cash money.

I have the main idea so far of what I want done in this story. But I'm just so anxious to get it finished and finally sell it. Grrr with a capital "Err". I just need to remain more patiant and just focus.

I'm really wanting to write both of my other next two projects at the same time but I need to finish "Scrap" first. Or again, nothing will ever get finished.

The passion and the drive is there for me. But I just need to chill and get my work done. But damn, I love writing and I would be horribly depressed if I were not able to write at all. Thank God I have good healthy hands and fingers!

Happy-Happy Joy-Joy!

I'm not sure what to feel as of right now.

I have been pumped for the Warped Tour and Wolf Parade the week after that. For the last few days.

Work has becoming less lame and I think I am starting to actually like it.

But that one dark cloud that hovers over my head is still by me and in far sight. I just don't want to worry about anyone. And the answer to this certain person is NOT suicide.

Yes, I'd feel very down or broken here and there. But I will never likely go through with it. So this person should see that they can still do good if they stayed alive and instead to leave me wondering..."Did she go through with it?" I don't want that shit to ponder about.

No one should go through with and think that for the people the love deeply.

God knows I have done more than enough worrying to last a single lifetime within the past 10 months to a year or so. This shit should end but not along with a life to go with it. That would only make things far worse and plain awful. I don't want to go through something that terrible and sad. My heart breaks easier than others and just now my heart I feel, is mending itself back together. It can only take so many more breaks before I just feel its pointless to help myself repair it and move on down the line.

I want to be happy-I have been feeling that way recently, but I feel its not going to last very long- I want that feeling from now on. I deserve it just as much as everybody else.

I want someone special lying down next to me in my bed in the mornings when I awake. And in the nights as I fall asleep....This bed I have was built for two. So why am I always the only one in it along with my kitten, Zoe?

-I don't know-

If I could have one wish. I would wish for Brianna to always be happy and feel free. That and anything else that would make her happy and feel at peace. I don't want her to hurt anymore. But again, suicide is NOT a solution or the answer.

Is that how you want to leave me Bri? Broken and lost when you are dead? Thats not fair and I realize it wouldn't be fair to you either if I acted the same to you. For that, I am sorry.

I have a day set up ahead of me for today so I'm going to get.

later-

Alright, the last several days have been crazy for me.

Starting from Monday onward to today of my entire week. This is what has happened in whatever order. It doesn't matter my memory is kinda shot this week.

Went and got my tooth drilled, bought a porn afterwards.

Worked.

Wrote a little bit on the book.

Graduation party, none of my friends came by. Cam was busy at her new job. Got a lot of money from only 50 people stopping by. We had enough food and drink for about 100 people. So clean up and taking food home took like forever. My car is filled with full and empty pop cans. I had about 1/18th of Singapore in there.

Cam and Wade broke up.

Wade is going to ship out to California to the Navy very soon.

Found out my radio station still has my Warped Tour tickets. So my Uncle J took my up to Bloomfield I think,to get them and my beach towel I won back in April. The towel is cool it looks like a big boombox. I grabbed alot of stickers and the last window thingy of the radios logo.
Not untill I got home I realized my license was up at the radio station. I was bummed. But my Ma told me the cute chick behind the counter called up saying she has my ID and will mail it to me.

Got my ID the next day. They overnight it to me. Thnx 89X!

Zoe wasn't acting like herself. You know, biting the and clawing the shit of things and other people. So worried, me and my Ma took her to the vet. She got medicine and two shots. Shes back to her old self now. So I'm happy shes running around, getting into things she shouldn't be getting into and is jumping like a joey kangaroo.

Ma and Cricket left to go up north for the week.

I am going to the Warped Tour with my Detroit crew this Saturday.

On the 6th of next month....WOLF PARADE!!!! Me and J are going to go see them. I love them!

Got a spiffy nice shirt and two new jeans.

Grabbed a copy of We Are Scientists Cd...Its amazing.

I want Wolf Mother, Artic Monkeys, and The Flaming Lips Cd's badly!

I have alot of money for this week and the Warped Tour. So I'm happy. Think I'll grab Wade and we'll go to a titty bar or go play pool at a bar or go bowling. Maybe all three at one place. I must investigate.

I want to hang with Cam...I dunno somethings saying something to me when I think of her...I dunno.

I haven't been thinking of or even talking about a certain someone. I'm giving both of us time and space. So I'm happy and I just don't care whats going on and I frankly just don't want to know. So I'm much better now than when I was speaking with them. I felt I was only doing more damage than good. This person can go do whatever for that I just don't care and I'm slowly walking away. They don't want anything to do with me. If this person did, this person would've tried to have contact me within the last week or so. Have fun with your new boyfriend and see you next life, if thats how you want it. For that, it really looks that way right now.

Word got back to me that someone that I knew that was Edge, someone I looked up to last year. Started doing coke. Not that fizzy drink folks. Its sad, I hope he can only see what hes doing to himself and the ones that give a damn about him.

Wade said he is done with drugs. Why do I still see in my head that he will go off and smoke weed still? Ciggs and booze is dandy like mandy, but I guess he needs something to help him run from his own personal issues. I think I might call him later.

Haven't talked to Tracy at all. I kinda feel bad.

Same with Sam. And I think the twins are always busy.

There is a certain someone who I see here and there, that I am starting to think about. I hope something could be built up. I'm tired of going...what if. When I do see her. For now, I'm going to start slow and try to build up a friendship with her.

I have been blaring Silverstein like crazy. Can't wait to see them this Saturday. It will be my fifth time! And my third for Motion City Soundtrack.

The Tigers are on fire! We're going to win the series baby!

I can honestly say now, that, I'm actualy happy. Go me.

:)

The yeterday I went to the dentist by myself. I had my back tooth drilled into. The smell of burnt hair, carpet, and popcorn filled my nostrils while the hotshot young dentist guy was going to work on me. My whole left side of my face was pretty numb.

For some reason, my Ma gave me $15 instead of me just asking for only $3 like I always do here and there. I clearly said if I could possibly have $3 but...Alright cool.

After my dentist adventure. I went across the street and chilled out in the CVS store. I read Stuff magazine for a good half hour or so. Then I ventured over next door to the Mammoth Video place. I was looking around and I noticed, this was the same place me, Wade, and Cam went to once or twice last Summer. I remember I was dared to go into the "18 and older only" room. I was 18 last year but still, its nerve racking to walk in there. I had money this time around, and I eventually did make my way in there.

Fast forwarding to the yeterday 2006, I felt very awkward and sort of embarrased to even be near that door that seems very and so forbidden to cross in. The only person working there happened to be an averagely, not so bad looking, cute girl with a little amount of an age difference between the two of us. So I felt more awkward. Then, a very pretty Asian chick walks in, making everything more awkward.

So when the two of them were talking I slipped in through the door. The porn room seems to have this weird static charm to it. Go ahead and decree me a pervert but I know who I am and I frankly don't care of what your opinion is of me. The reasons why I decided to go in there was that, well I wanted this experience, so I can later write about it later for a story or something to talk about. Second, I'm tired of the internet and the Canadian channel. Third, this is what a lonely kid my age would naturally do. Like the Salmon swimming upstream during mating season. They risk their lives for sex. Well, I didn't risk anything but my dignity.

So in there, I browsed through the catalog they had available. Some titles just made me stop and started laughing. For example; "Black Cockzilla", "Stop! My ass is on fire!", "Fuck My Ass #1-7", "Hot Anal Cops", and last but not least
" Pretty hot, Pretty wet, Mexican bitches #2". These titles and their covers just pretty much made me shake all over with spaztik humor.

I kept looking. Finally I found something I liked to see and so I walked out and I was still the only person in the store. The average cute chick was behind the counter, and I casually walked up and and told her...

"Yeah, I would like to buy this today..."

She seemed to take forever in getting the DVD out of the DVD sleeve holder. She began ringing it up but for some reason the barcode wasn't working with her. I was becoming more knotted in the stomach as the scanner wasn't working...

*Beep

*Beep

*Beep

...

*Beep

*Beep

*Beep-*Beep

....

*Beep

*Beep

*Beep

Finally it ranged up. And I grabbed a Mountain Dew and I said;

..."I would like to take this home also, today."

After the transaction was made, out of $15, I had only four cents left. She ranged up a receipt and said return it in seven days. I told her I wanted to buy it not rent the film. She went onto say if there was a problem with it, bring it back and something can be worked out to exchange the movie with another one of same value worth. After that I said Oh.

She threw the sucker in a black bag and I walked out the store with my nervous self and a black bag with a Mountain Dew in the other hand. She said goodbye and I said the same and I said for her to have a good day and she greeted me back with the same response. Like I was trying to rack up some brownie points for being a perv with her. Making up for how sad and lonely I now look to her.

Any possible chance I could ever have with that women, is now gone. Unless she remembers I bought a porn movie from her work. That I came in ten minutes after she opened the place up just to buy a porn DVD. That I was in that forbidden room for about a good hour. Taking my sweet time making sure that the purchase I make is a damn good one. Like this porn was supposed to represent who I am and what kind of women I am attracted to or the actions they do.

Oh the shame.

I have to say my choice was very tasteful. Nothing extreme or really out there like "Black Cockzilla" or "Stop! My ass is on fire!".

No. I took my time and I was able to find a decent work of art. Out of all of the same old, basketball implant titty, nasty chick porn. I found one movie within my budget that was pretty good.

But I do have to say is that, why would anyone want to buy a porn Dvd for a range between $20 to $35? That is just a crazy amount of money to spend on something that you'll only watch for a few times than get over pretty quickly once you're bored of it. Most of these things only last an hour to a good hour and a half from what I have read on their run times. Its crazy, they shoot, market, and produce these things very cheap. The filmakers do this on purpose I bet.

Makes me wonder if thats what they can afford or do they half ass this stuff so the actors and filmers make a shit load of $$$. I say quality is more important. I want the case to look good, I even want the Dvd's face to look good, I went Directors or actors commentary. I want spanish dubbing just for shits and giggles. I demand more options on the menu screen, I want bonus material. Not something that was thrown together one day and wasn't given any real work. People buy this stuff for over the last 40-30 years. I say don't cheap them out. Thats how you can lose a fan or customer loyalty base easily. But if sex sells, which is their game, I guess they make it out just fine and dandy while feeding Mandy candy.

Alright, Yes. Go ahead and think what you may. Say what you will. Even go tell people who you think that would get a good laugh out of this. I really don't care. Do either of these three, than. It means you're still programmed into the groove of how things go down in High School. School is done with. Most of us are graduated. All gossip and all of that other shit, well, all of that ends when our time in High School is up. Just keep that in mind. Yeah, I'm perverted. But I don't talk shit about anyone else, not lately. Like everyone else.

I wrote about this for that, it gets my mind off of other bullshit. And hey, it is pretty funny if you think about it less seriously.